Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in Ageha_Died's InsaneJournal:

Sunday, March 14th, 2010
6:19 pm	Where did all the suffering go? it seems i haven`t been posting entries for a while now. Why you ask? well, the problems which caused me to start writing stuff here, have been solved. I`ve quit school, so everything is solved. xD sort off. I`ve gotten a job and i`m currently making about €100 per week, and for me, that`s quite a lot. I`ve also signed up on a new school, and I hope I`ll be accepted. so, everything seems to be going fine with me, I`m currently only living for making money, and am practically waiting for school to start again, it sort if makes me realise even more how useless life can be. Though, it`s not useless enough for me to go and kill myself xD and even though i`m not hanging around with my friends ,because they all live way to far away, i still have loads of things i can enjoy, mainly gaming, but also writing stories, crafting things, stuff like that. and ofcourse also, looking forward to my vacation in Californië, though, that still takes a while, because it's planned for 23 april. and i'll be turning 19 over there xD Current Mood: bored Current Music: television (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 20th, 2010
8:52 pm	Problems I have problems, lotsa problems. With school, with how I feel, with love... I haven't written in some time now, not because life was going great, but because I just didn't need to cool my head by writing an entry. But today it's different, I had an "conversation" with my mentor today. It was more like, he told me what I should do and I was just nodding yes, because I hate the guy, and I hate it that he's on my case the whole time. Teachers are so evil, they manipulate you to do whatever they say, it's so frustrating. And being me, I just agree to everything, because I can't socialize with people very well. So the problem is, I ain't doing so well on school, I skip a lot, get bad grades, and stuff like that. But it's not like I'm some rebelstudent who goes against everything, I just... I hate getting up early, just to go to school. I have to get up at like... 6 am, and come home at 7 pm. It's just horrible. And I do like the appointments I have to do. I just forget to turn them in, and then I don't find the time for it. So atm, I have loads of bad grades, but everything is done, it just has to be turned in. So I AM mailing all my teachers this week, so I can turn everything in. y'know, I'm sure that everything would have been fine, if those teachers weren't on my case the whole time, it just makes me think about it more and more, and that makes me depressed, and that makes me so I don't go to school, start lying to my parents and teachers. And that's what makes me want to forget everything, and just go somewhere else, that's why I love to sleep so much, when I sleep, I forget everything, I forget my problems, I forget that I feel guilty for lying to me parents, I forget that I actually should be doing things for school. ARHG! I hate it all! I just want to quit school and go work or travel around the world for a year, just to find myself, just to get things in order. Why do we always have to look into the future? Because of that, I'm starting to live by the minute more and more. I'm not nervous until right before a presentation, and even when I'm standing there, before all those people, I get nervous, and then it fades, then I get nervous again, and then in fades again. And that keeps going on, until I sit down, it's so weird. and you know, I don't dare to come out for myself. I don't dare to say to that teacher, that I'm sick of him being on my case the whole time, that, because of him, I loose my will to do my best at school. Because it will make him think that it was because of him, and I hate that. I hate that so much. It's like... when I have to deliver the mail, and I AM planning on doing it that day, but then my mom says, 'you know you have to deliver the mail today right.' and she always says it in a way that makes me feel so small, like I'm still a little girl that knows nothing. And when that happens, I just want to go against it all. Just go to my room and get into my own world, in my bed, forget everything, and relax. I only become so rebellious, because people are saying that I have to do things, when I already was planning on doing them anyway. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT!!! And there's more. I like the school.. no... I love the school, it's all so alternative, we can become whatever we want, like me, I want to become and artist, y'know, make paintings and stuff, and with this education, it's possible. But I don't know anymore right now. Why do we have to decide everything when we're so young, it's not fair. I know I love to make art, but I also know that I won't make great money with just that, so I probably have to have some 'real' job next to it, but I don't know what. I don't want to make commercials, I don't want to make websites for people, I don't want to make things for maasvlakte 2 (if you don't know what it is, just look it up on the internet) I don't want to do things for people, I'm a selfish person, I don't care about people I don't like, and I don't care about people I don't know. Sure, it's awful that someones beloved ones die, but I don't care, it doesn't bother me. If it happens then.. well... more space for me. The only people I'm not selfish for are my parents and my brother. And my cats even more, my cats are the only ones in the world that can truly satisfy me. I love them so much! of course, it would be horrible if one of my so called friends would die, but well... that's a different story. Friends are supposed to support you (dejavu....) Well, that's what my impression is of a friend. Friends are people who you can share both a laugh and a tear with. But based on that, it seems I haven't had a real friend, next to my cat and mom. Of course, I laugh a lot at school, we make tons of pictures with the macs there, we talk about the most amazing stuff, y'know teenager talk. But when things get serious, most of them turn their backs to you. They like you when they can have fun with you, but when you want to talk about your personal problems, or when you skip a day and miss things, they get a different face. You see, I've missed a lesson two times, and unfortunately I've been pared with two of my friends, for them it's easier to send me a text about me not being there. They get all mad and go on and on like 'you haven't been here for two lessons already, we've already almost finished everything, what are you thinking?! Maybe it's better if we just dump you out of our group.' ...bitches, I would have been better off if I'd just stayed in the gamedesign class. ¬¬ But about the choices again, I have no idea what I should do, I also love to make jewelery, but to study it... that's just so... big... And I also don't want to do some standard education, because that's just lame. .......i'm tired of talking about my problems ¬¬, they all feel so boring. Like the one that I can't find someone who'll love me. I hate it that there isn't a single person who says that they like me. Sure, I sometimes see guys stare at me, and sure, there was this one time that someone hit on me... but... he was... not my type... he was eeh... well... turkish... and they have a bad reputation here, and he looked like he just wanted a quick girl which he could dump the next day. I don't want that. Sometimes it feels like I'm in love with love itself. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: tv (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 20th, 2009
11:24 pm	Snowballs Omg, why do kids think it's funny to throw snowballs at peoples windows?!! I was just now writing some stuff while in total consentration, and studdenly... *THUD* I thought like 'WTF was that?' So I look around, but I see nothing, so I thought that it might be my cat or something and then *THUD* AGAIN! like wtf. So I keep just doing what I was doing, and then another came, and another, and another, like 7 times they throwed snowballs at my window, and I'm like.. upstairs! I just don't get it, why do they like throwing snowballs at peoples windows at night? weird irritating little kids. edit: .... it seems it was my brother.. who's 3 years older, so he's 21... I guess people keep being children XD Current Mood: amused Current Music: owl city (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009
1:57 pm	schoolstuff I just finished a whole load of crapwork for school. It actually had to be finished a month ago, but I was just being lazy. Now it's finally finished. I guess my mentor won't like the fact that I ditched school just to make it, but I don't care, I called the school and said that I had to go to the dentist, so it'll be all okay ^^ I had to make a newspaper for whatever reason. And I never understood how indesign worked, so it was a but difficult in the beginning, but everything came out well. I sure hope I get a good grade, otherwise, all the work was for nothing. -.- And now I'm going home, because I'm tired and my hand is cold, and I don't want to be at school anymore, and there's still a whole load of other schoolwork that I have to do. Current Mood: cold Current Music: Gravitation - Sleepless Beauty (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 26th, 2009
11:33 pm	a little from this, and a little from that I've stopped seeing that girl as a friend. She betrayed me, and I'm angry about that, but she just acts like nothing happened. It makes me uncomfortable, so I avoid her from time to time. I now only see her as someone I hang out with at school, just because my real friends are in another class. She kinda annoys me, we were supposed to be friends, and now this happens, I guess real friendship is just an illusion. Y'know what, I'm gonna quit worrying about it, shes just one of the million people I meet in life, and things won't change so much just because of her, I'll still be able to hang out with my real friends, and can still share my thoughts with the internet. And I'm still only 18, I'm probably in the middle of my puberty, things like this are bound to happen, I'm supposed to feel crappy most of the time. Because, school sucks, friendship sucks, life sucks. When I'm at school, I want to go home, but when I'm at home, there's nothing to do. I only work on saturdays, and I don't go out, because I'm not the type to go wild in some kind of club. The only thing I like to do is gaming, writing stories and sleeping. All stuff that makes me forget how horrible my own life is. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: snoring of my computer (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 25th, 2009
10:53 pm	Hi there I already had a profile here, but I accidentally gave the link to a "friend" of mine, which I thought was totally trust able, but it seems she isn't. So I made a new one, and I'm not gonna give the link to anyone, so it'll be like it's my diary or something mushy like that. The only thing I'll write about is bad stuff, so it'll look like I'm a total emo or whatever, but I just don't feel like writing when life is going great, I only write when I'm feeling depressed. So anyway, about that friend, friends are supposed to support you right? You should be able to fall back on them, and be able to trust them, the same way as the are able to fall back on you and can trust you. Well, I thought I had that with a girl, but since a month, I'm starting to see that she's just like every other, they say they're your friend, but betray you in the end. oh well ¬¬, I guess people aren't what you think they are, and the only one I can trust is my family and my pets. (and my tv, and my wii, and my ds, and my bed...) Still... When I first met her, it seemed like we had been friends for ages, we got along so well... we shared the same thoughts, we liked the same stuff, and now, it feels like a long friendship that has fallen apart. I feel exactly the same as that one time that helen told me that laura (my best friend at that time, for 4 years) had told her that she had a boyfriend. At that time, they were already dating for 2 weeks, we had talked a lot in these two weeks, and she hadn't even told me! Her best friend. I felt so horrible, like someone ripped a piece of my heart out, stepped on it, and then put in back. Well... I lost contact with her after that, because she went back to middle school, and I stayed on... well that school that comes after that. I don't know how you call that in english.. I sometimes still feel a little sad that that friendship ended, because she really helped me in middle school, because I was bullied a lot, and when I got to be friends with her, I learned how to stand up for myself. Still, middle school was aweful... goddamn! I quit ¬¬ Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: tv (Comment on this)